Forgive and Regret

We have all in our time forgiven things people have done wrong. We even surprise ourselves with just how forgiving we can be.

Even me. I have found myself forgiving atrocities that shouldn’t be shoulder by any human being. But, you know what?

Forgiveness is sometimes a way to move on.

There are things that can’t be forgiven. Obviously!

Also what I find with forgiveness is the regret that follows. You forgive. You make the effort to move on and try and see past the wrong done. Only to have the effort and kindness taken for granted. Abused and thrown aside.

It’s blood curdling to discover some one so close to you can be so cruel. To keep on with the ruse and manipulation. Deception is almost part of the game.

I can only speak from experience. But, even though you regret the act of forgiveness. Feel you’ve failed. Chosen a bad one time and time again to trust and be true to.

Someone very wise and dear to me once reminded me that. I shouldn’t be down on myself for being able to still love and trust.

It’s what makes me a beautiful human being.

To wear your heart on your sleeve is dangerous act. Makes you vulnerable and somewhat of an easy target. But, there are people out there who deserve every ounce of your love and admiration.

Don’t change and allow the world to taint your amazing ability to respect your fellow human. Love and be loved. Trust and keep being trustworthy.

Karma can be a funny thing. I don’t believe in much. But, kindness breeds kindness.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. Try not to tar ever human being with the same brush.

 

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Losing Dad

We all lose someone we regret not getting closer to. Always thinking there’ll be a moment in the future where you can sit with them and tell them all. And, have them do the same in return.

I feel that way about my Dad. Although harsh and critical. He was also soft and had a wicked sense of humour.

His harshness stopped me from asking the vital questions I’ll never get the answers to.

Do I see him in myself? Am I my fathers daughter?

Yes, very likely. But, with a softer edge. Different skill sets. We agreed on many things. But, disagreed with passion.

He’d always say I’d look after him in his old age. I always returned with the usual.

‘You won’t get old. You’ve been a grumpy old man all your life.’

I’d give anything for five more minutes of him on my back about something. It shows he really cared. Even if sometimes it was more than unwelcome.

I took care of my Dad for nearly six months. While cancer ate him from the inside out. First the mouth and tongue. Three months of treatment. two months of recovery.

With every trip I could see him getting weaker. Throwing up in the car park even before we get into the hospital. Even at his worse. He still found a way to moan at me for something I was doing wrong.

In his recovery he never really recovered. In fact I only ever saw a decline. So much so I called a GP to come see him. Only they turned up early. Just my luck!

I missed my chance to voice my concerns. My dad was given anti sickness. I was tube feeding my dad everything. Food, meds even water sometimes to keep him hydrated.

I noticed a massive decline in his mental state. He was taking more pain relief so I put it down to that. Turns out it was sepsis, caused by secondary cancer of the liver.

There was nothing to be done. My brother and I sat next to his bed all night. Like two statues. In a poised positions on each side of his bed. Only, he waited until we left. Just as I got into bed and my head hit the pillow. The phone rang and I knew what it was before looking at my phone.

Stubborn until the end.

I went into some sort of auto pilot. Saw family I hadn’t seen in a long time. Including my three brothers. Literally from another mother. I won’t see them again, I shouldn’t think.

I love the people who stood by me during this and after. Some still do which again I appreciate. Some, well we’re all guilty of being there in the real tough times. It’s the times in between when you go all quiet and every one thinks you’ve gotten on with your life. It’s times like this the grief and loss kicks in.

If you’re reading this and this is you. Then myself and anyone else reading is here with you.

Don’t be afraid to say you miss someone. Or, you’re lonely from a death of a partner or loved one. Hell I miss dead guinea pigs from 12 years ago.

The point is. You still have life around you. People you still see every day. People who even love you for all your crazy faults and quirks. I understand it’s hard I kick myself up the arse on a daily occasion. Remind myself I still have a purpose.

I won’t ever stop missing my dad. Songs come on and I still cry. I see his face and I still feel so cold without him.

I’ll make him proud one day. I always promised I would.

For those of you feeling low and lonely. Below is a link to a youtube video. It’s a Mad Caddies song called. Drinking for eleven. Give it a listen. Give it a read. This one is for you.

Love you all x

 

 


5 Minutes Of Fun!

I’m beginning to see a pattern. It’s either just the men I date? Or, it’s a trend in this. Lets call it modern society. I’m seeing men and women opting for the five minutes of fun. Over a life time of happiness.

Am I old fashioned?

With pleasure at the finger tips these days. It’s hard not to fall into this crazy, but accepted hedonistic culture. It’s there so, why not?

Everyone does it so get over it?

No wonder most relationships fail in the end. If you’re with someone you can’t tell all your wants and desires to. Then possibly you’re with the wrong one. But, why share with your closest? When you can share with a random faceless person who won’t remember you tomorrow.

I’d say I was pretty adventurous and happy to indulge. I guess there are times when I’m a little fragile. And may need a slighter touch. Does that make it necessary to be unfaithful?

Seems to be the trend.

Why would anyone want to go through the hard work of helping each other through the hard times and supporting each other in every way. When you can get your gratification with someone else a lot easier. Who wouldn’t take the easier option?

*Cough* Me *Cough*

Could these arse holes stop taking up the time of good people, please?

Thank you for reading. If you’ve been affected by this sort of behaviour and can also say. No! No more! Please comment your experiences. Be nice not to be the only weird and old fashioned one left.


The break

I have had quite the break from writing. Over fiver years to be exact.

So much has happened in those short few years. A few chapters experienced and digested. All filled with heartache, betrayal and utter disaster.

Five years on I am certainly wiser, jaded and a lot less trusting.

I have lost someone vital in my life. It left me isolated and alone.

I then moved to Somerset to be with a man I thought was worth the upheaval of both myself and my autistic daughter.  Only to be betrayed and lied to.

You do start to question your self worth. Ponder over questions such as.

‘What is wrong with me?’

‘Why do I always trust the wrong people?’

Well at nearly 35 I can say it’s not me. The fact that I can still trust and love after all that has gone on in my short and miserable existence. That makes me special.

The fact my love and loyalty is always misplaced is frustrating.

But, here I am dusting myself off and putting more pain to paper.

Hope you enjoy my ramblings.

 


Thank you!

After a year of venting on my blog I have finally surpassed 1000 views. Writing to me in a way is like learning to feel emotion and understand it. Instead of fearing it and hiding away.

Thanks to any regular viewers and welcome to new ones. Hope somewhere within my writing you’ll find something that either makes you laugh, cry or even help in some way.

Cheers Guys!


A message inside

Reminiscing the maybe

Always wishing on a star

Pondering on the could be

Everlasting are the scars

Heavy is the burden

End is in sight

Always pushing forwards

Rewarding through fight

Mighty is the will

Entertained by smite


Ease the pain

There is a brighter day. Although sometimes happiness or even just steadiness seems impossible to achieve. At every chance given I make the most of what I do have. Which I know is a lot more than most.

Life can be better with the smallest of changes whether it be emotional or physical. To break a cycle we must change it.

My greatest battle right now is medication and sticking with it because I know it helps. My logical, rational me will agree. If I had a headache or a sore knee I would take painkillers to ease the pain. But admitting I need them can feel like defeat. Just like my admittance to needing people.

But so what! I do need these things to get by. Just like the next person.
Why is it so hard to accept this?

I bang my head against this same brick-wall over and over again and each time the same answer spills out.

I just do!

And anyone who has the same problem. It’s a crazy notion, but needing things doesn’t make you weak it makes you human. Quit feeling guilty for not being able to cope and for your sanity sake seek the help you need.

I know how hard it is. Believe me not only have I been there but I’m impossibly stubborn. If I think I want to be alone then good luck to anyone trying to get close to me.

Again I’m lucky and found someone more stubborn than me, if you can believe it. And for now I’m taking my medication.

I haven’t failed. I’m winning!