We all lose someone we regret not getting closer to. Always thinking there’ll be a moment in the future where you can sit with them and tell them all. And, have them do the same in return.
I feel that way about my Dad. Although harsh and critical. He was also soft and had a wicked sense of humour.
His harshness stopped me from asking the vital questions I’ll never get the answers to.
Do I see him in myself? Am I my fathers daughter?
Yes, very likely. But, with a softer edge. Different skill sets. We agreed on many things. But, disagreed with passion.
He’d always say I’d look after him in his old age. I always returned with the usual.
‘You won’t get old. You’ve been a grumpy old man all your life.’
I’d give anything for five more minutes of him on my back about something. It shows he really cared. Even if sometimes it was more than unwelcome.
I took care of my Dad for nearly six months. While cancer ate him from the inside out. First the mouth and tongue. Three months of treatment. two months of recovery.
With every trip I could see him getting weaker. Throwing up in the car park even before we get into the hospital. Even at his worse. He still found a way to moan at me for something I was doing wrong.
In his recovery he never really recovered. In fact I only ever saw a decline. So much so I called a GP to come see him. Only they turned up early. Just my luck!
I missed my chance to voice my concerns. My dad was given anti sickness. I was tube feeding my dad everything. Food, meds even water sometimes to keep him hydrated.
I noticed a massive decline in his mental state. He was taking more pain relief so I put it down to that. Turns out it was sepsis, caused by secondary cancer of the liver.
There was nothing to be done. My brother and I sat next to his bed all night. Like two statues. In a poised positions on each side of his bed. Only, he waited until we left. Just as I got into bed and my head hit the pillow. The phone rang and I knew what it was before looking at my phone.
Stubborn until the end.
I went into some sort of auto pilot. Saw family I hadn’t seen in a long time. Including my three brothers. Literally from another mother. I won’t see them again, I shouldn’t think.
I love the people who stood by me during this and after. Some still do which again I appreciate. Some, well we’re all guilty of being there in the real tough times. It’s the times in between when you go all quiet and every one thinks you’ve gotten on with your life. It’s times like this the grief and loss kicks in.
If you’re reading this and this is you. Then myself and anyone else reading is here with you.
Don’t be afraid to say you miss someone. Or, you’re lonely from a death of a partner or loved one. Hell I miss dead guinea pigs from 12 years ago.
The point is. You still have life around you. People you still see every day. People who even love you for all your crazy faults and quirks. I understand it’s hard I kick myself up the arse on a daily occasion. Remind myself I still have a purpose.
I won’t ever stop missing my dad. Songs come on and I still cry. I see his face and I still feel so cold without him.
I’ll make him proud one day. I always promised I would.
For those of you feeling low and lonely. Below is a link to a youtube video. It’s a Mad Caddies song called. Drinking for eleven. Give it a listen. Give it a read. This one is for you.
Love you all x