After a year of venting on my blog I have finally surpassed 1000 views. Writing to me in a way is like learning to feel emotion and understand it. Instead of fearing it and hiding away.
Thanks to any regular viewers and welcome to new ones. Hope somewhere within my writing you’ll find something that either makes you laugh, cry or even help in some way.
Reminiscing the maybe
Always wishing on a star
Pondering on the could be
Everlasting are the scars
Heavy is the burden
End is in sight
Always pushing forwards
Rewarding through fight
Mighty is the will
Entertained by smite
There is a brighter day. Although sometimes happiness or even just steadiness seems impossible to achieve. At every chance given I make the most of what I do have. Which I know is a lot more than most.
Life can be better with the smallest of changes whether it be emotional or physical. To break a cycle we must change it.
My greatest battle right now is medication and sticking with it because I know it helps. My logical, rational me will agree. If I had a headache or a sore knee I would take painkillers to ease the pain. But admitting I need them can feel like defeat. Just like my admittance to needing people.
But so what! I do need these things to get by. Just like the next person.
Why is it so hard to accept this?
I bang my head against this same brick-wall over and over again and each time the same answer spills out.
I just do!
And anyone who has the same problem. It’s a crazy notion, but needing things doesn’t make you weak it makes you human. Quit feeling guilty for not being able to cope and for your sanity sake seek the help you need.
I know how hard it is. Believe me not only have I been there but I’m impossibly stubborn. If I think I want to be alone then good luck to anyone trying to get close to me.
Again I’m lucky and found someone more stubborn than me, if you can believe it. And for now I’m taking my medication.
I haven’t failed. I’m winning!
In the wake of so many news reports of reputable figures of my youth are nothing but sick perverts. To think children and adults alike have supported them, grown up with them become familiar with their presence in our own living rooms. Betrayed by our own fantasies that the way someone is portrayed in the media is who or how they really are in their private lives.
There’s always a scandal in the media almost like reporting good news and fortune is boring and uninteresting. It worries me to see a serious lack of positive role models, especially young role models.
Except or sport or television where do our children draw their inspiration from?
A local fireman who saved fifteen lives in a period of a year?
The scientist who every day improve our day-to-day lives?
Some shameful manufactured fool who happens to get on TV?
We put these fools on pedestals while our great minds and truly great heroes are brushed aside. Names we might accidentally hear. Faces we might never even see.
Then there’s sport stars In out modern-day league table of great athletes on a handful are really positive role models. Drugs, scandal and situations that in my opinion should stay behind closed doors.
We choose what the media reports on. We decide who to watch. We create the role models.
Maybe we should start switching off the bad and stop giving so much attention to people who thrive on our shock and disgust.
I’m not in any way saying that we should ignore the bad they create we should know. Sugar coating the truth is what creates false heroes.
I’m saying lets start looking up to people who really do make a difference in our lives.
The spark has gone no more fight left within. From the bottom of my pit I try to rise like the phoenix only to burn in the effort. No more struggle. No more strife. Just give up and die.
But the horizons still beckons with what’s left of my being I still move onwards. No hope of really gaining just a want to survive. To stay upright. To stay alive. I must keep up the plight.
The rain falls
The sun fades
It’s just another day, they say!
Today is bleak
Wishing tomorrow never came
The smile wanes
The pain stays
Happiness will someday reign, they say!
Today is broken
Wishing my life away.
Even now at nearly 30 I am learning new things. People everyday never cease to amaze and intrigue me.
I have learnt to never judge solely on first impressions. What’s on the outside doesn’t always represent who they really are. Not discounting the initial impression sometimes people really are that apparent.
Although I have tried to keep an open mind when meeting new people. I have met many colourful people, some have even become close friends.
But one moment that sticks out for me that really did teach me not to judge so harshly and almost unfairly in this case. It was at an earlier place of employment where I dealt heavily with the public. There was this one gentleman who was always helplessly drunk. I had worked in a bar before and remember him from back then. I’m good with faces maybe not names.
I just struck him off as just that a helpless drunk. He could barely string a sentence together and was quite hard to deal with. I had no feeling of sorrow for him or care really. Just Pity.
Now pity is an emotion I feel is saved for people less fortunate than myself. I felt above him. He was at a lower level of life than me?
How incredibly short sighted of me.
He did eventually sober up well at least he came in cohesive more than fifty percent of the time. I would constantly ask about his progress, out of sefish interest. But what I got was someone truly in turmoil.
He was educated in fact a psychiatrist. Unfortunatly his want to help people was what drove him into the depths of alcoholism.
He Explained he worked with people who’ve abused. Not the victims. He would have to speak with, tolerate maybe even sympathise with rapists, peadophiles and so on.
What started as a can or a glass of wine to help unwind after an emotional day repressing one reaction after another. Slowly he just needed more and more to be numb. To stop thinking. to sleep without waking.
How does anyone come back from such an irreversible cycle of destruction?
Nevertheless I swollowed my dumb pride and promised never to judge too quickly again wthout taking another look at least. I haven’t seen this gentleman since I left that place of employment.
I do wonder if he ever managed to break the cycle or whether he still drowns in the abyss.